With that being said....
I really feel like my blog is a place for me to be totally honest. And if I were to be totally honest, I would have to say that this baby was not welcomed at first. There, I said it. You can judge me all you like, but I can't lie about it.When we found out I was pregnant, James was ecstatic! I was terrified and upset. How could this happen? This wasn't the plan! We can't afford this! Where is this new baby going to go in our teeny tiny apartment? Yes, these were the thoughts going through my mind. Not joy, not overwhelming happiness. Once I got over the initial upset, I felt denial, "this is not happening, can the test be wrong?". Then I went into analytical mode... Okay, lets look at finances, lets look at what our possibilities of moving to a bigger place, lets look at what it would take to afford this little one. I still wasn't at a place to be happy, but at least I was accepting the fact that I was pregnant and looking at what we can do to accommodate this little one growing inside me.
It took many days, many prayers to God, many shed tears (only on my part) and a desperate call to my Mom for me to accept the baby is a blessing. I mean, I feel all children are blessings, even if unexpected, but deep down I wasn't ready to be a mom to 2 little ones and at first this one sure didn't feel like a blessing. I feel guilty for saying that, but it is true. I had to accept that this is all God's plan and that He has perfect timing and although I may not understand it and sometimes don't want to accept it, it IS perfect. This baby is inside me right now for a reason. A reason unbeknownst to me. I had to accept that to find inner peace and happiness. Once I did, it felt amazing. I now can say that I do truly feel absolutely ecstatic to have another little one coming. I still don't know how I will handle it (Chloe is definitely a handful for me), but I know through God, I will be able to get through it and I will be a better mom, a stronger person and more spiritually fit because of it.
I still feel guilty, even writing all this out and I am not 100% sure if I will ever hit that "post" button, but if I do it's only because I want people to know that its okay to not be overly joyed at first. Sometimes the true happiness comes later and that is REAL. I don't want to lie and say everyday of my life is the best day of my life, that would be a facade. And if I had the best day of my life everyday, where would my need to rely on God come from?
I do want to say, I AM super excited about baby Emery and can't wait for him/her to be here already! I am very grateful for this little one and I know that they will be an amazing addition to our little family. I will post more and more details soon.
Michelle, I admire you for being so real and sharing something so vulnerable. And i totally relate with all of this. Honestly, I had to work through much of the same emotions and concerns. Its a healthy thing to acknowledge reality though, to suppress it or deny it would not be good. And now, you are able to whole heartedly embrace this sweet life that you carry because you worked through all the raw emotion. So proud of you.
ReplyDeleteHi! I'm a new follower, from She Breathes Deeply. It takes a lot to admit that the first feeling that you had wasn't joy or excitement. Most people I know would never admit to feeling that way. Thank you for being honest with yourself and your readers. Like you said, God put Emery inside of you for a reason. You may never know the actual reason, but He does. Good luck, Michelle, I will be following along and sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. ~Jenn
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that you are being honest. While I don't have any kids and won't for a long time, I know what it feels like when God's plan is different than your own plan. Many times I don't understand why things happen the way they do, but God's plan always turns out better than I could ever imagine. Blessings during this new chapter in your life!
ReplyDeleteI am sold that I could have been at least a little help. I am very excited for you and know you will do just fine. You are doing a wounderful job with Chloe. I'm always here if you need me. Love you so much.
ReplyDeleteMom
I had to work through emotions just like these myself. We are still living with my parents and were REALLY broke when I found out we were having Noah. It was hard for me to get really excited about it because I was so darn terrified of how in the heck we were going to afford it. Not only that, Sophie and Noah will only be 19 months apart (a little scary). I'm just gonna say though, God PROVIDES and it has been proven so many times throughout the past 21 weeks for us that I have had Noah growing inside of me.
ReplyDeleteI am praying over you, baby Emery, and all that needs to flow together in order for it to happen according to His will. It goes to show that HIS ways are so much more elaborate and mysterious than our little ole minds and our plans.
P.S Emery was a name we ALMOST chose for our son! We were going to spell is Emory. Love the name!
Thanks for being so candid.
First of all, I LOVE the name Emery. That is actually a name my husband and I have picked out for our future child. :)
ReplyDeleteSecond, I'll be honest too. Even though we are childless; I've had these thoughts. I had my first pregnancy scare and my first thoughts were far from excitement. I would think about it and become upset because I knew we weren't ready in any aspect to be parents. While, I ended up not being pregnant it made me realize that whenever it does happen it will be His timing and it will be perfect and I will rejoice in that.
You are a wonderful mom to chloe and you will be a wonderful mom to emery. I am sure chloe will be the best big sister ever!
my older brother and i are only 13 months apart. sometimes i wonder how my mom did it. :)
ReplyDeletei never wanted to have children. peppy and i had been filling out papers to join the peace corps when i found out i was pregnant with gage. i was absolutely devastated, and i cried for weeks. fortunately God knew way more about what i needed in my life than i ever did. and i am so thankful for my babies every day. :)
you're an amazing mama. and emery is going to be just as lucky as chloe.
Thank you for sharing this. You are a brave momma.
ReplyDeleteI dont have kiddos yet, but there is one thing Julio & I have learned for sure about God in the past (almost) two years of being married.. God never, ever stops providing. No matter how freaked out we can get about the "what ifs" and how much control we want to have (or feel like we dont have at all!) over situations, God has never left us out in the blue. We've NEVR gone without. Same goes for you and your family, lovely lady. Enjoy this season with Baby E and think of it as a season where you'll be able to see God's details and care and He provides for absolutely everything you guys need. It'll be a great season for your spiritual life as well :)
Praying for ya! :)
I dont have any kids so I obviously cant really relate to how you are feeling but dont ever feel quilty about being honest, I appreciate blogs like yours that are so real and honest :)
ReplyDeleteLast Christmas I found out I was pregnant with our second one. Freaked me right out. Our first was 7 months old and I was on mat leave and my husband was in his last year of university. I cried a lot. It was hard to see this baby as a blessing. It took a while, but I realized he is a blessing and that this is another way for me to have to rely on God more.
ReplyDeleteLucas arrived 2 months ago, and things are working out and we adore our new little boy.
I'm so happy for you, and that you had the courage to post your true feelings here. :)
Thanks for all the sweet comments you left me! Even when you are trying for #2 and it happens you still have a while of feeling like you want to take it back because you aren't sure if you can handle it with two! God knew exactly what He was doing when Emery was created even if you felt that was the farthest from the truth! God's timing is perfect and your sweet Emery is going to do some amazing things I'm sure of it!
ReplyDeleteI just want to thank you for sharing this. This is something I think a lot of women think or deal with but are so afraid to share with others. It is good to know that other women feel the same way and know that with prayer everything will be ok and there is a reason for everything. Congratulations on your new little addition, he/she is made to do incredible things!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your heart. I felt the same way about my first-born...I was shocked and not ready to have a baby, so I went through tons of different emotions before I finally welcomed the life that was growing inside me. Just like you said, sometimes it takes awhile to see the joy in life's surprises!
ReplyDeleteI love bloggers like you who are honest and open... It makes me feel more normal. :0)
HUGS, and congrats on the new baby! 18 months apart isn't so bad. My younger two are 18 m apart and it's great! Truly! I really love the age gap.
Hi! I'm just found your blog a few days ago. I'm a fan.
ReplyDeleteI got pregnant with my son a couple of weeks before I broke up with the boyfriend who I was living with at the time. It honestly took me a good few months to accept that it was a blessing. I struggled with awful thoughts about the pregnancy, not because I didn't love the baby, but because I knew that I wasn't capable of being a good mom at the time.
It ended up being the greatest blessing that God could have given me, and it caused me to call out to Jesus in a way that I had never known before.
Today, Dominik is a year old and I'm still with his Dad. God has completely transformed all of us, and I count my blessings daily.
I know you love your little baby, no matter what! And it's totally daunting, but He knows what's up. He won't let you guys down. God sometime calls us to be humble in some really intimidating situations, but always works things out in the end.
I'll be back to your blog, fo' sho'.