With that being said....I really feel like my blog is a place for me to be totally honest. And if I were to be totally honest, I would have to say that this baby was not welcomed at first. There, I said it. You can judge me all you like, but I can't lie about it.
When we found out I was pregnant, James was ecstatic! I was terrified and upset. How could this happen? This wasn't the plan! We can't afford this! Where is this new baby going to go in our teeny tiny apartment? Yes, these were the thoughts going through my mind. Not joy, not overwhelming happiness. Once I got over the initial upset, I felt denial, "this is not happening, can the test be wrong?". Then I went into analytical mode... Okay, lets look at finances, lets look at what our possibilities of moving to a bigger place, lets look at what it would take to afford this little one. I still wasn't at a place to be happy, but at least I was accepting the fact that I was pregnant and looking at what we can do to accommodate this little one growing inside me.
It took many days, many prayers to God, many shed tears (only on my part) and a desperate call to my Mom for me to accept the baby is a blessing. I mean, I feel all children are blessings, even if unexpected, but deep down I wasn't ready to be a mom to 2 little ones and at first this one sure didn't feel like a blessing. I feel guilty for saying that, but it is true. I had to accept that this is all God's plan and that He has perfect timing and although I may not understand it and sometimes don't want to accept it, it IS perfect. This baby is inside me right now for a reason. A reason unbeknownst to me. I had to accept that to find inner peace and happiness. Once I did, it felt amazing. I now can say that I do truly feel absolutely ecstatic to have another little one coming. I still don't know how I will handle it (Chloe is definitely a handful for me), but I know through God, I will be able to get through it and I will be a better mom, a stronger person and more spiritually fit because of it.
I still feel guilty, even writing all this out and I am not 100% sure if I will ever hit that "post" button, but if I do it's only because I want people to know that its okay to not be overly joyed at first. Sometimes the true happiness comes later and that is REAL. I don't want to lie and say everyday of my life is the best day of my life, that would be a facade. And if I had the best day of my life everyday, where would my need to rely on God come from?
I do want to say, I AM super excited about baby Emery and can't wait for him/her to be here already! I am very grateful for this little one and I know that they will be an amazing addition to our little family. I will post more and more details soon.