Friday, April 6, 2012

pre-baby blues?

I was reading this article about the differences between your first pregnancy and when your pregnant again with a toddler in tow.

Man oh man can I relate. I almost feel bad for the way I have been "neglecting" my unborn baby. What I mean by that is there is huge difference between the two pregnancies. I definitely don't talk to Emery as much as I did with Chloe. I don't put a flashlight to my belly and wonder if she can see it. I don't put headphones on my tummy playing our favorite songs as well as special lullabies we picked out for her. James doesn't kiss my belly every night like he did last time. I don't sit there and ponder what she will look like or dream of what she will become as I did with our first. I just don't have the time.

Sure, I love my unborn child, but I feel like the days of being in bliss over being with child are over. Instead I worry. I worry what it will be like to have a toddler who likes to throw tantrums and run around endlessly and a needy newborn at the same time. I worry how I am going to hold both of them in my arms at the same time with a huge diaper bag on my shoulder, while walking up and down the stairs to get to our door. I worry how Chloe will be with a baby, if she can be gentle enough. I worry how I am going to find the time to make Chloe still feel special. What about the time I need to bond with this little one all by herself without having to share it with her big sister?

It's crazy that in a moment where I am supposed to be on cloud 9 waiting for this bundle of joy to come, I feel exhausted, stressed, tired, cranky and sad. Sad to see our little family is already going to have to change when we just started getting in rhythm. I feel like I didn't get enough "alone time" with Chloe.

We have made more of an effort for quality family time within these last short months. We go to the park on Fridays, we stay at home wayyyyyy more often. We sit and play with Chloe when other things need to be done around the house. We snuggle with her every night until she falls asleep. Man, I am going to miss this. 

I know this is all in God's perfect timing and that has helped me cope with coming to terms that I will have 2 kids under the age of 1 and a half. I know it will be exhausting, but God will give me strength. He will help me persevere. I will find joy in the little things, a smile, a coo, a laugh, a snuggle. I know that Chloe will be loved and we have so many family members to help her still feel special when the baby comes. I know God will be with me every step of the way. I just need to give my anxiety up to Him and He will fill me with happiness and peace. It's always much easier said than done, am I right?

Now only if I can stop stressing of what might be and relish in the beautiful times we have now. I'm definitely working on that. Excuse me while I go love on my wonderful husband and delightful daughter. Have a great Easter!

8 comments:

deanna@delirious-rhapsody said...

it was kind of the opposite for me. since gage was an unexpected pregnancy and i didn't want children to begin with, i didn't really enjoy my pregnancy and dreaded the entire 9 months. i didn't really talk to my belly and i felt pretty disconnected to the baby inside of me. i didn't feel the tiny bit motherly until gage finally popped out.

my pregnancy with owsley was totally different. (maybe because he was planned, i don't know?) i did all the fun pregnancy things like taking weekly belly shots and having gage pat on my belly and talk to owsley.

BUT...i can totally agree on pregnancy being so much different when you've already got a kid to take care of. it's hard to take any time to relax or take care of yourself!

Olivia Grace said...

This is totally normal, Michelle!! You're a busy mama with a toddler to care for, it's hard to sit and daydream about the new baby like you did with the first. But the moment she is placed in your arms: watch out!! Have a wonderful weekend with your family!

Gretchen said...

I hear ya! It isn't easy thinking ahead to what life with TWO little ones will be. I keep reminding myself to just take it one day/moment at a time :)

Becca said...

I totally have the same worries, so you're not alone! I think it will get easier as Chloe gets a little older...they grow up and mature so quickly at this stage so even a matter of weeks seems to make a big difference! Bennett has really liked the thought of being our "special helper" and it has helped his get
excited about becoming a big brother.

Haley Galloway said...

I went through these same exact emotions and then after he arrived I went through some awful post partum depression. I felt really disconnected from Noah and it made me feel so incredibly guilty. But, what I quickly found out is that LOTS of moms feel this way when adding another baby into the mix. Believe me, it changes really quick. My son is now a month old and I am head over heels for him. We are adapting REALLY quick and our new "normal" feels right. Don't be surprised if it takes a few weeks even after they are here to feel that connection though. And don't feel guilty. It doesn't mean you don't love them. I'm praying for you!

Her and the Boys said...

Things will always be different. I remember the last month of my pregnancy with C2, I would cry in the kitchen every day because C1 was so much to handle and being very pregnant was hard. After, C1 was very jealous and still is. He even flipped C2 over while he was in his bouncer. But you learn to work around it. There will be some really bad days, some really good days, and those days in between. I promise you will manage even when you feel like you can't do it. We did a lot of date days with C1 w/o C2 to make him feel special. Just remember that you are doing the best that you can and keep your head up! I was in the same boat as you. And don't worry about how you will do things with 2 kids, you will realize after E is born that you just do it without realizing. You are a great mom Michelle!

Cece's Mommy said...

I have just gone through this, my oldest is turning 2 in a week and a half and my youngest is 3 months. You will get through it and in a few months it will all seem so normal. As horrible as this may sound, I barely remember what it was like being home with just the one.

Pregnancy was so much harder on me having a toddler then being not pregnant home alone with two of them. You figure out your own tricks and will wind up amazing yourself.

I had a lot of feelings of guilt and selfishness when my second was born like I had somehow cheated the first and should have waited longer but there is nothing you can do then but look at the positive. A sibling is a great thing to have and although the first part may be difficult, they will cherish these early years together.

And at the end, when it all comes down to it, you will look at your beautiful babies and your feeling of fear and dread will all be temporarily lifted as you are in awe of them. And then someone will puke and scream and you will be brought back down to earth and realize you haven't showered in 3 days and have no idea where your shoes even are or when the last time you wore them to go out of the house was.

Nessa Bixler said...

Oh my... I think you are in my head. This is exactly how I feel right now, but you put it way better than I ever could. I get all nervous in a cold sweat sometimes about having this second baby and then feel terrible about feeling that way.

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